Wallowing....

After wallowing for days, I came to the realization that there was nothing I could do to change this outcome. I can't continue to drown myself in tears. I have a family that needs me to be a fighter. I am daughter, sister, wife, and mother. I need to stand up to my fear and not let it control me.

Excision Day

Today was the day. I feared this day for a week. "What was it going to feel like?" "How would I recover?" "Would I lose any feeling in that arm?" After all, I was told that they cut down into the muscle....

To say I was scared was an understatement.

As I patiently waited in the waiting room, I began to look around. I was completely outnumbered by elderly people. Many of them with walkers or glasses as thick as coke bottles. Could I be in the right place? Why am I the youngest patient here?  I looked at the door just to double check. Yep, I'm at the dermatologist office. Monday's are my surgeons surgery days. That even made it worse. Was I the only young patient he has with Melanoma? Again, the "why me's" popped in my head.

"AMANDA"

She shouted it as if I couldn't hear her. I do still have my hearing, thanks.

My palms were sweaty. I could feel my stomach fill with nervousness. I sat in the chair and tried really hard to calm myself. Luckily, my sister was able to come with me. All I could hear from her was "breathe, Amanda". I couldn't. It was as if I was experiencing an out of body experience. I wasn't there. I couldn't be there. I AM TOO YOUNG for this.....

My Doctor came in and began drawing on my arm. It was a whole lot bigger from the first drawing he did in my consultation visit with him. I wish I would of taken a picture. He explained what he would do and then said, "Ready?"  "Um, yeah, sure! Let's do this." I really felt like saying, "Are you kidding me?" Who is ready for cancer at the age of 32???!?! Shit, who is ready for cancer at all? NO ONE.

The nurse numbed my arm but it wasn't numbing the top of the spot, which was my elbow. I kept feeling it! Finally, after what felt like 1,000 shots later, my upper forearm was numb. As my chair began to move, so did the tears in my eyes. It hit me. I was about to have CANCER removed from my arm. I was going to have a scar. I would forever be changed from this moment on....

As my Doctor was performing the procedure, he was awesome at keeping me calm. Until he started yelling, "I need more gauze! Man, you're a bleeder!" SERIOUSLY?! Why did you just tell me that. Then, he brought out this machine that cauterized veins. This smelled terribly. Again, I heard my sister say-"BREATHE AMANDA". I did NOT want to breathe....

After it was over. I was told I couldn't do anything for 2 weeks. I couldn't even drink any wine to drown my sorrows......

Here is my wide excision. It is about 3 inches long. This was the day after I could take the pressure packet off. My daughter thought my "blue strings" were cool. :)














The recovery wasn't too bad. It could of been worse. I'm a very independent person. Having people do things for me is hard. But, I took FULL advantage of it. ;)

A sun tip:   Be sun smart, regardless of the season.
Fresh snow reflects about 80% of the UV radiation compared to a dry, sandy beach (15%) or sea foam (25%).

Lather up.
~A